No Great Prize: The Nobel Prizes the University of Chicago doesn’t want you to know about

With the announcement that a University of Chicago physicist won the Nobel Prize two weeks ago, the official count of people associated with the University who are Nobel Laureates grew to 82. But that doesn’t include a few prizes that the University prefers not to celebrate:

1905 – Prize in Medicine for curing cancer. Ironically, the UofC researcher took the secret with him to his deathbed, where he died of cancer.

1963 – Peace Prize for developing the Latke-Hamentashen peace accords, which resulted in two years of peace in the troubled region. Unfortunately, famine sparked a Latkist revolt in 1965 that resulted in the death of Hamentasch freedom-fighter Fun and re-opened the controversy. It’s been unsolvable ever since.

1973 – Nobel Prize in Economics for optimizing use of force against unions in South America. If there’s anything the Nobel Committee appreciates, it’s crushing people who are trying to get enough food.

1985 – Prize in Physics for making this really neat doo-dad that whizzes about, then glows green and hovers. I think there’s something nuclear in there, or something.

2002 – Prize in Medicine for a provocative graduate of the Divinity School who exposed the government’s role in the creation of the HIV virus “as a means of genocide against people of color.”

2005 – Prize in Multinational Deception, awarded to Ahmed Chalabi. Armed with a Ph.D. in mathematics from the UofC, Chalabi was able to play three separate governments like some kind of triple-violin. For invaluable influence in the U.S. invasion of Iraq, for awarding himself cabinet posts within the Iraqi government, and for giving U.S. intelligence secrets to the Iranians, the Swedish Academy awarded Chalabi the coveted prize.