Luckily for University of Chicago students, now answering “yes” to the following proposition is that much easier: “I will fuck the throbbing writhing swarming pile of you, You with love how I fill every crevice of the pile that you are with my 18 foot throbbing anoraak penis, If you are of Russian descent…GET IN MY PILE!!!!!!!”
In the past few months, two new websites have been created just for UofC kids. The first is the University of Chicago Anonymous Confession Board (ACB), which functions like the website JuicyCampus.com (which has no UofC section) and is a way for people who go or went to the University to gossip, complain, and share stories in an anonymous forum. The second, UofCDating.com, is like Craigslist’s personals section in concept; however, it is meant to cater only to University of Chicago students. Here, students post personal ads with the intention of receiving Personal Messages (PMs) to follow through on these cravings.
The ACB covers a wide variety of topics. Everything is anonymous, and although it is run through LiveJournal, you do not need a username to post there. Like JuicyCampus, the ACB is a way for disgruntled, proud, horny, and depressed UofC affiliates to share their thoughts in a way that is really devoid of all responsibility and external judgment. There are threads devoted to TA crushes and hated staff psychiatrists. There are multiple posts about doomed BAs and post-graduation breakdowns. There is also a thread dedicated to talking about more racy things, like the perfect position and place to have sex in the Regenstein Library bookstacks (apparently there’s very rarely anyone in the CJK section on the fifth floor). And, according to the ACB, there is a girl who can masturbate “through sexual fantasies alone” and often does it during boring lectures.
The posts on UofCDating.com range from overeager to ridiculous. There are quite a few joke posts, and quite a few ones that appear to be honest. And sometimes, there are ones where you can’t really quite tell what is going on.
The only post in the “Casual Encounters” part of the “Guys looking for Guys” section was written by a fellow with username Albus1881, who is an older man looking for a younger guy who must “be okay with some light wand-play.” That is an easy enough metaphor, but he also writes, “I want you to blow me from 1,000 miles away via the floo network,” which is a much tougher one to figure out. For all interested, you can reach him “by PM or owl.”
Of course, a site like this is a prime place for snide UofC students to use their command of sarcasm to belittle and make fun of those who might even deign take such a thing seriously–with absolutely hilarious results.
The first post on the site was authored by BilboBaggins, who put out a request in the “Casual Encounters” part of “Guys looking for Girls” for someone, clothed in the likeness of Arwen the elf, to meet him in Harper Library at 10pm. The last line of this truly creative piece of work also happens to be the favorite of the site’s creator, Dale Galiniak: “It’s not all about me, though; Bilbo’s virtue, to be sure, lies in his infinite ability and burning desire to be in the service of others.”
Galiniak graduated from DePaul University and works in the Center for Research Libraries. He always thought that the “Personals” section of Craigslist was fascinating, but after doing some looking, realized that it was just far too big and sprawled out to be effective for a place like a college campus. It also doesn’t help that most of the posts for people under thirty years old are spam.
Since he spent a lot of time with UofC undergraduate and graduate students after he graduated, Galiniak decided to create this website for the school. He explains, “I got to thinking that the best place to run a dating website would be a university campus because there are a large number of people with very similar interests, and a lot of them were swamped with things like classes and homework and didn’t have the time or desire to spend every night a week in a bar looking for that special someone.”
Both websites, especially UofCDating.com, make it easy to ridicule UofC students for being socially inept. And yes, a lot of this is backed up by overwhelming amounts of evidence and hilarious anecdotes, but you should also remember that millions of people who have no connection with the UofC and its awkward affiliates, use Craigslist and other sites like it every day. So check out both of the sites, share some gossip, look for a good fuck, and if you want to make some fake “Casual Encounters” posts, think twice…and make sure it’s really, really funny.