Tools of the Trade: What hipsters do, and what you can too, to get down and dirty

Hipsters have it bad when it comes to sex. First of all, everybody is busy being “ironically” ugly. Second, it’s hard to have sex and be non-conformist at the same time, since everybody has sex, and most people enjoy it. After having traversed the argyle-bestrewn wilderness of the hipster bedroom, however, I have seen the tools of the trade that will allow you to be there and be square.

Gold lamé condoms: Nothing protects your junk quite like sheer, permeable fabric. You might get herpes, but when those warts start appearing, at least you’ll know you got them in style. Glittering, glittering style.

Horn-rimmed condoms: If there were such a thing as having sex about sex (meta-sex, if you will), horn-rimmed condoms would be the key catalyst to achieving it. Think about it: no self-respecting woman would be willing to undergo the torture of a penis with points. (I wanted to avoid this, but the temptation was too great: if she’s already having sex with you, imagine the torture she’s already undergoing.) Horn-rims allow for all the personal connection of sex without any of the personal connection! How po-mo! Or something!

Granny panties: Most hipster dudes have Oedipal complexes. And if they don’t, they like talking about psychoanalysis, which basically reduces to talking about Oedipal complexes, since hipsters don’t know shit about psychoanalysis. The sight of granny panties sends ‘em all over the edge. And I guess the feeling of worn cotton just makes girls randy, or something. Talking about pleasing women is so last scene.

The latest Devendra Banhart CD: It’s true: hipsters don’t know how to love. They also don’t know anything about love songs. So queue up the latest wuss-rock special (think, like, any of that folk shit hipsters love that basically sounds like an Air Supply/Seals and Crofts gangbang on some really mellow weed), and go at it.

Texture: Texture doesn’t just apply to condoms and knit clothes. It also refers to sex positions. If your girlfriend can crochet a sweater, she can definitely help you crochet a love knot.