Rejected: Scav items that didn’t make it

My rejected suggestions for the University of Chicago Scavenger Hunt and reasons why they didn’t make it:

1. Smoke weed everyday. Apparently this is an activity already undertaken by more than half the undergraduate population.

2. Have sex with three attractive women enrolled at the University of Chicago (without lowering your standards). The judges said the reason this one was rejected was too obvious to even bother stating it. In fact, this suggestion was so cliché that the judges gave me negative points.

3. Walk through Washington Park with your wallet on your person. No way! Too dangerous!

4. Lie in the grass next to the mausoleum. I’m just a notch in your bedpost, but the judges are just a line in a song. Apparently the lyrical reference was too ambiguous, but, hey, TMX Emoâ„¢ (item #64) made it on the list!

5. See if you can get Hamza Walker to call Katharina Grosse’s new Renaissance Society exhibition “big, blue balls” on tape. Scavvies hate art.

6. Found a group that will invest in Coca-Cola only if the company funds a massive military takeover of the Sudan and agrees to call the new country “Coke presents Freedom-land.” Bad taste. Besides, even hardy Scavvies can’t face the prospect of a STAND member taking a shit on his or her desk–or something–for possibly endorsing genocide.

7. Turn the scene into an arms race. See #4. Also, see #6. Everything involving arms is a touchy issue. Same goes for Fall Out Boy.

8. Reclaim Buster’s arm from the mouth of that seal and reattach it, or accomplish “Operation Hot Mother.” Not elaborate enough. But at least the judges had the presence of mind to include a reference to “Arrested Development” with the “Gob-stacle course.” I liked Gob best, anyway, Mother!

9. Prove the “Norwegian Hand Hypothesis,” which states that Scandinavians are very tall, but they have tiny hands. Also, make “tiny in the hand” standard English vernacular. This was too left field, even for Scav judges.

10. Get your hair cut like that guy in that band. Scav does not endorse scenester-ism; it also hates fanboys. The judges would never prompt participants to do something as gauche as to become one. They also don’t want students to actually listen to music made after 1979.

11. Word is bond: find out why that kid in my roommate’s math class signs his letters this way. The answer probably lies in a book from the Core Curriculum that all UofC students have read, but can only pretend to understand.